Movies NOT to See

Posted: March 15, 2012 in My Whirled


Movies to Avoid

if you can…

From my weekly trivia column years back. Last updated November 27, 2007.
(Caveat – this was copied from a hastily edited HTML file, not spell checked or otherwise edited)

I have not listed the thousands of crapola movies out there,
just the ones you might be tempted to watch/rent/buy
that are wastes of media or time.

a | b | c
| d | e | f | g
| h | i | j | k
| l | m | n | o
| p | q | r | s
| t | u | v | w
| x | y | z

Title (close as I recall anyhow) Random short bits of thought about the film
A Action Jackson  another just lame action movie, has the guy who played Apollo Creed in
Rocky
Top A.I.  (starts out kinda-sorta
cool, but..is ….reeeealllllly, reeeeeeaaallllllyyyy depressing)

Alexander  Bad casting, bad script.
Anaconda its just
 uhhhh. ummm, dang, this
just stank
B Batman  something or
other. (the one with Arnie as Mr. Freeze)
Top
Battlefield Earth good book,
bad movie, John Travlolta on some sort of god trip….
Brothers Grimm awful editing, never really figures out what kind of
movie it wants to be, good idea ruined by rambling plot and bad editing.
Too many scenes
with pointless people who do nothing for the story. Kinda like Planet of
the Apes. Counter- in the right mood, and with the right expectations,
this could be fun. I laughed out lour several times after I figured the
farce out. Female lea role vague, both strong and then helpless, what gives?
C Catwoman Halle Barre, well, she just looked like a
slut, and didn’t seem psycho crazy at all. Michelle Pfeiffer in that
Batman movie was MUCH
better.
Top
Congo all the hype about
the killer monkey things, and its really a kids movie with a monkey-with-a-computer-that-lets-the-monkey-talk-to-people
gimmick. (yes, I know, the animal in question is an APE not a monkey,
but
monkey sounds much funnier)
Constantine  Basically its “the Matrix’ with archangels and
demons instead of agents and rouge machines
The Core One of the most-wrong movies I’ve seen for a while. I
can’t begin to rip apart the “science” in this sci-fi, but if bad science
bothers you, avoids this. (also seen on my “movies to see” list for the
same reason. It’s hard to get so many things wrong)
D Daredevil don’t waste your time unless you are a huge
Jennifer Garner fan. Hero looks stupid with the little tiny devil horns
and isn’t convincing at all.
Top Darkman might be fun at
a party when you don’t pay close attention…but ultimately just
kinda stupid. I mean, a rocket powered escape ..train?
Darkness Falls starts
off creepy-if you see the tooth fairy she comes and gets ya, degenerates
into monster kills everyone crap …meaning, anyone who sees the
tooth fairy while its trying to kill a kid who saw it gets killed
too…cuz they saw it, not cuz they lost a tooth and some freakin
fairy tale came to life, it just uses kids teeth as an excuse to
kill
Dark Water OK, its kinda creepy at times, but its just not ..that
plausible.  Girl gets abandoned, falls in the cistern and dies (hence
the “dark water”- its their “ring”), her ghost gains supernatural powers
over bad plumbing..so she get get a “mommy”?  Jennifer
Conelly does an OK job, and the film is well -produced and filmed, but
the story itself….crap.
(the) Devil’s Rejects um, at the end, despite excellent
points for gore, this movie had no point- just an excuse to gross people
out.
Doom Also on my “good movies” list, this really stinks for
the wrong person. Not much story, lousy charcter development and they
spend too much time on a “first person shooter” sequence – clearly thrown
in
for gamers- that might make some people ill. Of course, if you never
played the game why in hell would you go see this?
Down With Love  it tried, but failed to recreate
some old movie magic and was barely more than a waste of time.
Dracula 3000 < looked cool
in the trailers, came across’s as a…very bad music video.
Dune – the theatre
movie, is, well. lame. Paul looks like he’s surfing when he rides
the sandworm.
(the Sci-Fi channel version is long but pretty good)
Dungeons and Dragons – (and
the sequel) this would insult a 12 year old…
E 11:14 (eleven-fourteen) Kinda like “GO” – jumps around a lot, but more violent,
less fun. No Miata, no parties, no talking cat.
Top Event Horizon The
Outer Limits meets 2001, and they ..dislike each other, I hear some people
like this sort of thing..
F Fast and the Furious II first one was fun, II was dumb.
Top Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (how much can you take watching
people swim in their own filth? * again some claim this is good)
feardotcom pathetic
remake try at “The Ring”- which is already a remake of a Japanese
film.
Freddy Got Fingered (the ‘horse’ and ‘still-born baby’ scenes are just too much even for me.)
G
Top Ghost Ship mostly pointless, with mercy points for excellent gore. The interesting part is totally ignored until the
end,
when it’s wasted as a..”gotcha”.
Gigli
Godzilla “the one with Matthew
Broderick”
would have been fine if
it was 40 minutes shorter and ditched the oh-so-Velociraptor-baby-Godzillas.
Mr. Brodericks performnce is fine, the story just gets kind of ridiculous
when seval hundred mini-‘zillas start running around, they look
like Raptors with Dino Bond-O horns and spikes.
H Harry Potter – Chamber of Secrets
(zzzzz.. what, its over? see Waterworld)the first movie
was fun!
Top Heavy Metal 2000 as with
other sequels, embarrassed the original
Highlander 2,3 both
ruined the first one
Hollowman bad invisible man trip, the stupid psycho killer voyeurs things, Kevin Bacon runs
around naked, and thankfully invivible. They use the “steam” gimmick
to find him in the big fight. I always thought spray paint would
work better.
Howard the Duck (I mean
really, Quack-Fu?)
Hulk cool idea, badly done. He looked like the
freakin’ Jolly Green Giant. “HO HO HO- Don’t Make Me Angry!”.
Actor didn’t have enough “rage” to be convincing, either.
I I, Robot Sigh. Parts of this are good. Will Smith’s charcter is
likeable and unusual. Story is BS. How many times can we re-do the “robots
try to take over the world” thing?
Top
J Jason – X (welllll some might like this, but it
aint a “horror” movie, its bad sci-fi at this point). Scores
points for creative use of fake future technology to murder and dismember.
Top
K A Kiss Before Dying – (1991 version) ugg. it…tries
to be scary and tries to be a”thriller” but is ..not very
good at it. nicely brutal murder scene starts it off though.
Top
L L. A. Confidential senseless
violence, weird, shadowy random plot and all the male character
look alike. lots of beatings, broken teeth. It got to the point
where I couldn’t keep track of who had just beat the crap out of
who and why. (this piece of crap won an oscar?)
Top
M Madmax – Beyond Thunderdome ruined the
reputation of the first two- sadly seamed like Indiana Jones. You will
find the first two “Mad Max” movies on the “Good” list.
Top
Memoirs of a Geisha *Chick flic, certain women would love this.  I won
the coin toss, but let Lauren pick what we watched anyhow.  Good
costumes, confusing as hell, probaly murdered the book (which I have
not read).  Oddly, could have used more sex, would have spiced this
up. Missed out on a chnace for examining a very ancient aspect of Japanese
culture and instead focused more on the constant fighitng and betrayal
amoung the geishas.
Men in Black II  basically
re-used all the gags from the first, with a poorly hatched plot
that never
really does anything.
all of the 1999-2001 “Mars” movies
(red planet, mission to mars, one other one …pirate ghosts of mars meet
scooby doo….if there was one more, I missed it)
Million Dollar Baby Well, this is actually a really GOOD movie, its on this
list because it is SUCH A FREAKING DOWNER, my god, life sucks, we get
it.  Makes “Schindler’s List” seem cheerful.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith  Odd that this is on the “don’t watch” list, as
I actually like both stars, but after two weeks I can remember NOTHING
about this
except
that they
shot
the
crap out of their house, maybe they had some..nifty gadgets.  But
I can’t recall a SINGLE scene. Gone. My mind refused to waste the brain
matter
to store
it.
N Naked Lunch  As Nelson
Muntz of “Simpsons” fame said “I can think of at least two
things wrong with that title!”. Could not say it better myself. Avoid.
Top 976-EVIL  Early in the Internet/telephone evil-can-get-you-anyway
type theme. Can’t even recall the plot, was in theatres when I worked
at the Courtyard-4. Something about getting possessed if you call a 976
toll number
O
Top
P Pauly Shore anything
he’s been in (really, anything)
Top
Piranha – just like with
Anaconda, talk to a biology student.
Planet of the Apes (the new one) givS
badd edniting a mew neaming.
Point of No Return (bad
Amerikan ‘Le Femme Nikita’)- this is the one to avoid
Q The Quick and the Dead Leonardo Di Caprio and Sharon
Stone are supposedly gunslingers in some sort of gunfight prize contest.Yeah, they are both really convincing. Yep. Guess who dies?
Top
R
Top
Reign of Fire -had great potential, wasted in
bad character development-in the end, I didn’t give a crap about any of
them.
Requiem for a Dream  (another, watch ONCE movie,
like Eraserhead. Don’t watch twice, for your own good)(actually this
is a very good movie, but SUCH a downer its hard to recommend)
S Sasquatch Has that guy who played “Bishop” in “Aliens”, a man seeks
his daughter in a jungle where her plane crashed- a billion dollar
expiriment on board with her.  His search party finds a weird sort
of sasquatch, which then kills most of them.  Badly based on a
true story, you just never really care.  Oh, look, he’s going to
eat them, (yawn).
Top Shopping on the heels of “Trainspoting” this
film is just a bunch of random eye-candy scenes with a bit of fight-for-the-girltossed in, lots of british vulgarity and some drugs and sex.
Signs if you can navigate interstellar distances,
do you need crop circles to land? And, have a problem with water? It RAINS
on Earth. All over the fucking place. ALL the fucking time. Snows,
too!
Oh, and..you can’t figure out DOORKNOBS? Sorry, M. Night and Mel, a stinker
that never really goes any where….
Space Hunter- Adventures in the
Forbidden Zone
– (3D Sci Fi trash, only reason to watch is Molly
Ringwald – not a bad reason actually, but it still stunk)
Star Wars Attack of the Clones …movie
/ acting etc stunk.. but also a great piece of back story for the saga..
Swept Away (Madonna’s
version)(just …awful, but with a couple good lines)
T
Top 3 Amigos – AIIGH too much
martin charlie short sheen steve martin its just too much
3 Men and a Baby – (pathetic
he-man chick-flic that got most of the country is of course a remake of
a foreign film)
Tomb Raider (I’ve only seen the first) – Angie
Jolie is hot, but it only gets this one so far….to quote Lauren”
The most boring action movie ever!”
28 Days Later – our hero is a bike courier, and he wanders
around- ON FOOT – in a deserted London for half the movie before it
dawns on him, or anyone
else, to say, hot wire an abandoned car or jump on some dead kid’s bike?
Great zombie monsters though, very violent.
Twins – uuuuhhhh, not sure
what so say, I worked Box Office in a theater when this came out …
U Underworld – good adds,good effects, lousy movie. enjoyable
if you go in with low expectations
Top
V Valentine – psycho cupid killer thing, don’t waste
your time
Top
W Waterworld
fell asleep watching this – three times.
several years later finally saw the ending. didn’t help.
Top
The Wedding Planner
(not the “Wedding Singer” different movie)- jlo and some dude…
– oh, where do I start? Trite and thin “romantic comedy” that’s
not worth the effort, even for JLo’s booty.
What Dreams May Come Mr.
Robin Williams in an even-more over the top sad drama than A.I.
Some might
like this..
Wolves of Wall Street Every third scene is a over-the top full moon, every
actor looks a lot like a much more expensive actor, they lacked the budget
to actually show werewolves, resorting to screams in the night and bloodstains.
DONOT waste your time. A day later and I could barely recall the
ending.
The Wraith – psychic space-ghost
car gets revenge (might be good party movie if everyone is drunk)
X
Top
Y
Top
Z
Top
//
Comments
  1. RD says:

    Oh my God. I thought I was actually the only person alive who remembered The Wraith.
    You are now my official favorite blog author.

  2. ER says:

    Hell, RD, I still have a copy of The Wraith that I pull out and watch now and then.

  3. Late to the party since I just discovered this blog…

    A friend of mine used to hold a Friday night “so awful it’s good” movie viewing – my favorite was “Lair of the White Worm” with a young Hugh Grant and Isabella Rosellini. It was so horrendous I still laugh whenever I remember it.

    I kinda like it when a flick runs completely counter to my expectations. Independence Day – truly not worth the $ except for the fun I had pulling it apart and shredding it in critique afterward.

    And then there was Starship Troopers which I expected to be mindless, shoot-em-up fun; I was annoyed when it actually made me think rather intensely on some issues. Not that I mind intense thought in general – I was just expecting mindless fun that evening (guess I shoulda read the book first).

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